WHEN. . .

The house is clean then I can . . . the laundry is put away I can . . .bills are done I can . . .I get home from work/chauffeuring kids around I can . . . I get some sleep I can . . .hubby is back to work I can . . .

Do any of you feel this way? I especially feel this way right now because I have set a date to retake my RN boards. To tell you the truth--I am scared, scared, scared!!! I see myself finding every excuse in the book NOT to open any books because I DO NOT want to go through the emotions of failing once again.

It seems like every time I think I will find some time study, feelings of inadequacy start filling my mind. The sad thing is these feelings seem to linger. I pray constantly for strength to overcome these feelings with the hope and faith that all will work out. But that AWFUL Satan wants me to have horrible feelings about myself and when I do, I crumble to his way of thinking when the slightest thing goes wrong. Let’s take Monday for example; you saw what my house looked like! I had marked on the calendar to study that day, do you think any studying happened? Let’s face it; no one could have studied in that mess! Tuesday, I did get some study time in, but as I was going over some questions—doubt and fear filled my mind. Although I was able to get some study time in, do you think it was productive? I went to work that night, had a GREAT night at work--easy patients--charting was completed and I actually went home on time. I came home slept for 3-4 hours but I could not find the energy to open a book to study for the exam.

I feel so OVERWHELMED!!!!! I feel frightened and I feel scared that once again I will let my family down. I feel so much guilt. Gordon should have quit his job by now, but because of my inability to pass this exam Gordon is still working and going to school full-time. I know many of you are saying to yourselves, what’s wrong with that? I know a lot of people who have done what he is doing. Gordon’s job and the strange hours he keeps are very hard on his body physically and he tends to not handle mental stress well at all so our goal was for me to take over as bread winner and he stay home and be MR MOM.

Although these times seem rather trying I do know without a shadow of doubt--this is what I (my family) am supposed to do. Even though I have a lot of questions (why has it been so trying? What do I/we need to learn? Why can’t I/we just learn what I/we am/are suppose to so I/we can move forward with our goals?) I know the Lord will show me His tender mercies as long as I am willing to counsel with Him, be obedient and have the faith to follow.