My World of Wonder/Day 0

The house is quiet and still. I have been reflecting on the past year, since I passed my board exam, and have been wondering "where has the time gone? What have I done? I don't remember. I feel sad that my mind and body have been in a fog. I'm not sure what to think or how to feel. I know that my oldest child, Brendon, received his mission call, he's now in Portland, Oregon doing the Lord's will. I am happy, I do remember that, but I have no words or thoughts to describe how that made me feel the day he received his mission call." For months now I have had this nagging voice, this guilt, that reminds me that I need to take the counsel give by Elder Bednar and President Eyring to "remember the tender mercies of the Lord" and "did I see the hand of the Lord in my life today?" Why am I so afraid to write these down? I cannot answer that question at this moment in time, but I do want to know and understand. I want so desperately to remember, but then again, I am so afraid to write it down. Do I just like the drama I feel? Or am I afraid to know that I can be loved by seeing the hand of the Lord in my life and remembering the tender mercies?

These questions have been my petitions to the Lord over the past year. As I regularly petition the Lord I often find myself kneeling with the question; "why am I so angry?" I know why, where, when and how it began, but the answer I am looking for is "why do I hang on to those things that bring such sadness?" With these questions in mind, I am going to embark on a journey. I don't know where this journey will lead, but I feel it will be one of great worth, not only for myself but for those in the future who will gain insight from my struggles and accomplishments.

A little over 2 years ago I started blogging on a regular basis. At the time I loved to blog. It brought me a satisfaction I never before had felt. I was open, honest and found that others could relate to how and what I was feeling. As I shared some of my desires, thoughts and struggles I felt a sense worth. This worth sometimes came from the #of comments I received, but the most important sense of worth I felt, was from following the promptings of the spirit and allowing my struggles to be made known. I gained many "imaginary" friends who I felt could relate or had a sense of what I was going through. Just over a year ago I abandoned those friends and basically quit blogging. I felt that I was giving too much of my time to blogging and with desire and determination to pass my RN boards I put my life on hold to prepare for this final exam. I had already taken my board exam 3 times before so I knew the time commitment and what it would require. I anticipated the day I would return to blogging, but once I passed my boards the desire to rejoin the blogging world was not there. My heart was not in it. As I look back on the past year, there is so much missing my pictures, thoughts, dreams, desires, failures; but most of all the simple little things of life that make life, life.

So with that said, today is a new day. Today is a fresh start with a new beginning, chapter and journey in my life. I have a desire to be obedient and follow the counsel given by Elders Eyring and Bednar ("the tender mercies of the Lord are ral and that they do not occure reandomly or merely by coincidence. Often the Lord's timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them.")by committing myself to the challenge of writing down daily, "the tender mercies of the Lord" and "remembering" those tender mercies so that the experiences I have don't go unnoticed and a year from now and wondering "what happened to the simple things of life?"

"You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experience."

--- Gordon B. Hinckley